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3.01. Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days
"One day, it occured to me that cows never wrinkle" - Kirk
3.02. Haunted Leg
LORELAI: I mean, I’d like to have a good illness, something different, impressive. Just once I’d like to be able to say: Yeah, I’m not feeling so good, my leg is haunted.
3.03. Application Anxiety
3.04. One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes
Rory: do not apply to a broken scalp, is your scalp broken?
Lane: I don’t know, maybe. I don’t know my scalp that well.
3.05. Eight O'Clock at the Oasis
3.06. Take the Deviled Eggs
LUKE: What are you doing?
JESS: I go to a. . .a place that gives me money.
LUKE: For what?
JESS: For my services.
LUKE: What services? What place? [pause] Jess, are you a gigolo?
JESS: What?
LUKE: Well, I don’t know. You say you go to a place where they give you money. . .
JESS: I do.
LUKE: Where?
JESS: Wal-Mart.
LUKE: Excuse me?
JESS: I’ve been working there twelve hours a week for the past few months to get extra money for the car.
...
LUKE: You wear a vest and everything?
JESS: It’s the uniform, I have to.
LUKE: You’ve been sneaking out of here with a little vest hidden on you?
JESS: It’s not a little vest.
LUKE: Is it blue?
JESS: Will you stop talking about the vest?
LUKE: Do you get a store discount?
JESS: Fifteen percent. And if you want fifteen percent off anything, you’re not gonna get it ‘cause you’re being a jerk.
LUKE: My enjoyment is worth the loss.
3.07. They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?
JESS: Dean’s a jerk. Yelling at you like that, breaking up in front of everybody. . .the guy’s a total jerk.
RORY: No, he’s not. He’s right. Everything he said. All those things about you and me, all those things about me lying to him, and messing with his head. He was right. Well, wasn’t he? Fine, he was right about me, then. Now go away.
JESS: He was right. . . about all of it.
RORY: So, what now?
JESS: You’re definitely broken up with Dean?
RORY: Yeah, I’m definitely broken up with Dean.
JESS: Okay. I have to go take care of something then.
RORY: The sandwiches are for the dancers.
JESS: I’m dancing on the inside.
RORY: What are you doing here?
JESS: I live here.
RORY: You have nothing better to do than to sit around inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
JESS: I don’t know. [to Dean] Do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
DEAN: I wouldn’t direct any sort of comment toward me if I were you.
JESS: I’m just trying to support my town.
RORY: Good, then go back to New York.
JESS: Ooh. Zing. I’ve been snapped.
RORY: I am dancing. I cannot control where my glance goes. And the few moments that I can control it, my glance goes to Dean, not to you.
JESS: So you can’t control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him? Sorry, man. That’s cold.
Lorelai: Tell me a joke.
Rory: (sleepily) Knock knock.
Lorelai: (giggles, half out of it) That was a good one.
3.08. Let the Games Begin
Kirk: Where is your lost and found?
Luke: Out back, in the dumpster
3.09. A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving
Jess: Maybe we should wear three stooges mask
Rory: I'll be Curly
Jess: I'll be Moe
LORELAI: Buy a vase.
LUKE: But I don’t need a vase ‘cause I never have flowers.
LORELAI: Except when we bring you flowers every year on Thanksgiving. Buy a vase.
LUKE: Stop bringing me flowers.
LORELAI: Stop bringing me flowers. I knew you were gonna say that because you say the same thing. We have this same exact conversation every year.
LUKE: And every year you point that out.
LORELAI: And every year you point that out.
LUKE: And every year you point that out.
RORY: And then every year we put the flowers on the counter and forget the ugliness ever happened.
LORELAI: Well, at least we have a tradition.
NATALIE (to Lorelai): You have your mother’s wit.
EMILY: Sometimes I wish she’d give it back.
3.10. That'll Do Pig
3.11. Solemnly Swear
3.12. Lorelai Out of Water
Lorelai: Hug-a-world would like to see the world.
Rory: It's moving.
Lorelai: There's something living there besides canadians.
Rory: I hugged it, I hugged it really tight.
Lorelai: yes, you did
Rory: I have to shower!
3.13. Dear Emily and Richard
Dean:I'm here to place an order
Jess:talk into the clown
Dean:I am
Emily- "My first trip to Europe, I went to Paris, and stayed at the Ritz".
Lorelai-Well mom, if it will make you feel better, we'll go to Paris,and eat out of their dumpster".
Sherry: "Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that he heard that if you squat it makes the baby come out faster."
Lorelia:"Well as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source."
Lorelai: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
Nurse: Just breathe deep, honey.
Lorelai: Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead?
Nurse: What?
Lorelai: Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.
Nurse: No, you cannot pinch me.
Lorelai: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you 'cause I really need to do something.
3.14. Swan Song
"It beaked me! He could've blinded me. It's a vicious, vicious bird, and . . .fine. Forget it." -Jess talking to Luke
"I want to be buried there" Jess to Emily about Walmart
3.15. Face-Off
"When is later? How do I set my watch to later?" - Rory
Zach: [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?
Brian: What?
Zach: It says, a bulwark never failing.
Brian: I think it's a wall.
Zach: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay.
Brian: I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something.
Zach: Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark
3.16. The Big One
3.17. A Tale of Poes and Fire
Luke: You tuck a bed in on both sides?
Lorelai: Yeah, and then I slip in, like it's a straightjacket.
Luke: Oh, you must feel at home there.
3.18. Happy birthday, Baby
JESS: You still going to Yale?
RORY: Yes, I am. It's got all the classes I want and some really great teachers, and plus, you know, as an added bonus, it's really close to here.
JESS: 22.8 miles.
RORY: How'd you know that?
JESS: Do you Yahoo? [...]
RORY: You looked it up?
JESS: I just hit a couple buttons on the computer.
RORY: You looked it up.
JESS: I was bored. There was nothing on TV and I was fooling around, it was something to do, that's it.
RORY: You looked it up.
3.19. Keg! Max!
3.20. Say Goodnight, Gracie
DAVE: A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.
3.21. Here Comes the Son
Jimmy: Are you listening to me? I have nothing to offer you!
Jess: You have nothing? I have nothing! I cant stay at Luke's. I can't stay at Stars Hollow. My mother's a whack job. I mean, you're telling me you're this loser and, what, you don't want to take me off the terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school! I don't know what I'm going to do the rest of my life, but something tells me, I better find out soon, or I'm going to be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats!
3.22. Those Are Strings, Pinocchio